THE EDGE OF REASON

This, Mr. Bono, is what happens when you have an ego the size of China...

Learn. Your. Lesson.

Twat.

ANGRY POST #1

Here's the news:

You don't have to like anything that you are told to like or meant to feel like you should like or otherwise you're weird and out of touch. You really don't. You can make your own decisions about what you like. You can watch or listen to what you want to watch or listen to. Don't force yourself to like something just because you feel you have to.

For example:

A band gets a record deal. It might be because they're really good or it might be because they are right for the time (i.e. they are what pop music apparently demands at the time). It could be that they are in fact good, in which case, cool, yeh, go for it, have a listen and enjoy. Or it could be that they are complete wank. But that doesn't matter. As long as the record company pour a large sum of money into their PR campaign then they are more or less guaranteed to get into every music magazine and website going. And then the writers and journalists think 'hang on a second, these guys are gonna be big so we need to cover them as everyone will be buying their records and we need as many readers as possible.' And then the readers will think 'if these guys are hyped and appearing everywhere then I need to get involved and say that I like them cos that will make me cool and trendy and that.' BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO. YOU REALLY DON'T.

A band aren't good just because they've got money behind them and you are told they're good. And a band don't have to be successful just because you feel like you should buy their records and see them live.

Some people say the music industry is doomed. If Brother are the next big thing then it most certainly is.

Brother - complete wank

TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2010

I have noticed a marked improvement on the quality of albums released in 2010 compared to the last couple of years. Of course, this is just my personal viewpoint. After mulling it over for a while, I think the reason for this is that I've found there to be a bit more ambition and determination in albums released this year.

Take Arcade Fire for example - The Suburbs is a 16-track concept album about childhood and the want to escape from your home town. It is like nothing they have done before and a lot of the tracks don't really have a chorus. Yet, it has made them one of the biggest stadium bands on the planet. And one that has never had a hit single.

Foals and Everything Everything are examples of British bands forging a unique identity through making ambitious music that isn't easy to define. Foals sophomore effort Total Life Forever shows they have a heart whilst retaining their peerless musicianship, and Everything Everything, in my opinion, have made the best debut album of the year with Man Alive; an album that draws on about a hundred different musical influences every second that it really shouldn't work but does so with seemingly effortless ease.

Robyn decided that 2010 was going to be the year that she did whatever the hell she wanted to do and no-one was going to tell her otherwise (if they did they would probably end up with a kick in the nuts). She released three albums (Bodytalk Parts 1-3) of pop perfection (ok so Part 3 was more-or-less a compilation of the first two but whatever), which contain at least two of the best singles of the year. Now that's ambition.

As for The National? Well, they just blew everyone else out of the water.

Below are my Top 10 albums of the year. Thoughts welcome.

10. Interpol - Interpol

Another effortlessly epic outing for one of the best guitar bands of the last decade. Their fourth outing, Interpol, like it's predecessor Our Love To Admire (massively underrated), is a slow burner but once it's got you it becomes clearer how dense and multi-layered an album it is. It also proves that they are formidable musicians (Sam Fogarino's drumming in particular gets better and better). Interpol are a band that have survived the indie storm over this past decade by consistently writing exceptional songs. As you would come to expect from them, Interpol is a dark and moody work but, in songs like Barricade and Memory Serves, features some of their most accessible music to date. And Lights may be the best thing they have ever recorded.

Best track: Lights

9. The Miserable Rich - Of Flight and Fury

Britain's best kept secret. The Miserable Rich hail from Brighton and write intimate chamber-pop that could melt the hardest of hearts. Featuring a violin, cello and double bass, their arrangements are stunning and song-writing superb. Of Flight and Fury, their second album after the also excellent Twelve Ways To Count, seems to mainly be about getting smashed and breaking up with your girlfriend. But to sum it up as that does it a great diservice. They are a clever bunch of people that conjure up witty and charming stories that the string section compliment perfectly. At it's heart though, this album is pure pop loveliness (Oliver and Let Me Fade are two of the most beautifully executed pop songs I have heard all year), which means that everybody should be listening. Someone please make them massive. I can't do it alone.

Best track: Oliver

8. Stornoway - Beachcomber's Windowsill

Talking about the 'indie-folk' movement that has come to fruition over the past couple of years can often conjure images of people from London dressing up as tramps and pretending their from Ireland. In other words, a lot of it is not very 'authentic'. Thankfully, on their debut album Beachcomber's Windowsill, Stornoway are all about the songs. And what magnificent songs they are. Songs like The Coldharbour Road, Boats and Trains and The End of the Movie are all at once melancholy, whimsical, and beautifully simple. Lead singer Brian Briggs' voice is often choir-like in its delivery which, along with the sparse yet intricate instrumentation, bring to mind images of a snowy countryside in the winter without ever descending into the dreaded realms of the 'twee'. One of the most underrated albums of the year.

Best track: Boats and Trains

7. Laura Marling - I Speak Because I Can

I hate Laura Marling. She's only 20 years old yet has already released two quite incredible albums, both of which have been nominated for the Mercury Music Prize. Her songwriting ability is ridiculous and her voice stunning in the way that only someone ten years older than her should really have. Not only that but I Speak Because I Can is such a huge step up from her debut Alas I Cannot Swim that it's quite frightening to think of what the future holds for her music. How good can she get?? I Speak Because I Can is a more moody work than it's predecessor and has an alt. country feel to it rather than folk. Songs such as Devil's Spoke and Rambling Man evoke the imagery of dusty landscapes and the lone traveller. But there is much beauty to be found as well, especially on Goodbye England (Covered In Snow); a song perfect for this wintry December. She weaves stories of love and deceit better than any other British songwriter and will probably be doing so for many years to come.

Best track: Rambling Man

6. Robyn - Bodytalk Pts.1 & 2

The opening track on Bodytalk (Part 1), Don't Fucking Tell Me What To Do, pretty much sums up Robyn's year. One can imagine her record company demanding just the one perfect catchy-as-hell pop album, resulting in Robyn getting mightily pissed off, kicking the crap out them (possibly) and deciding to make and release three albums in 2010 containing songs such as the bizarre and eerie Jag Vet En Dejlig Rosa, which brings to mind Japanese horror movies featuring scary 11 year old girls that want to kill you. Robyn is a true innovator and artist. She will do whatever the fuck she wants. The Bodytalk trilogy (with the third part more a culmination of the first two than a final installment) features many incredible pop songs such as Dancing On My Own, Hang With Me and Fembot - all so effortless that I wonder if she is taking the piss out of nearly every other female pop artist on the planet for not even coming close. What separates her from the rest is the real emotion she invests in her songs. Dancefloor fillers they may be but if you listen to the words you'll find that the stories are often a tad depressing. So the Bodytalk albums are dance, progressive-pop and, er, emo-tronic?

Best track: Hang With Me

5. The Walkmen - Lisbon

Lisbon is the fifth album by The Walkmen. It is the only one I have. This makes me feel bad as it is bloody brilliant and I'm guessing their other albums are too. So why I haven't I got them? I, like a lot of people probably, only know (or knew) about them because of their brilliant 2005 single The Rat (their only real hit to date). I believe it is still a regular on the playlists of indie clubs everywhere. So it has taken me 5 years to realise that they are so much more than that song. Hopefully many other people will too as they really deserve to be recognised as a great band. Lisbon (where they wrote the album) is beautifully melancholic and sails along at a steady pace; gradually revealing itself over time. Oddly enough, never have a band managed to conjure up the imagery and idiosyncrasies of small European towns with their music so well. Odd because they are American. Songs like Juveniles, Blue As Your Blood and Stranded are slow and ponderous in their delivery but intensified by Hamilton Leithauser's (great name) Bob Dylan-meets-Rod Stewart vocals. Magnificent.

Best track: Juveniles

4. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

Arcade Fire may well be the biggest cult band on the planet, apart from Radiohead. Their albums have all been critically lauded and they sell out huge venues across the globe. Yet, they are still a mysterious bunch and have never had a hit single. Their debut Funeral is considered by many, including myself, to be a masterpiece. The follow up Neon Bible was, at the time of its release, also hailed to be the same but has over the years suffered a minor backlash. The Suburbs has topped many album of the year polls already this year and is definitely better than Neon Bible (which was intermittently brilliant). It is an epic sort-of-concept album about childhood and home towns and, like its predecessors, utterly unique unto Arcade Fire whilst sounding like nothing they have done before. It is not an easy trick to pull off. The Suburbs, Ready To Start and We Used To Wait are three of the best songs they have ever written, Month of May their most punk song to date and songs such as Ready To Start and Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) show the band experimenting with a more electronic sound. It is ambitious, epic and brilliant. Only time will tell whether it is better than Funeral.

Best track: Ready To Start

3. Foals - Total Life Forever

I think I was as stunned as everybody else when Foals released Spanish Sahara earlier in the year. It was one of those 'where the hell did that come from!?' moments. Their mighty fine debut Antidotes showcased a musically brilliant and ambitious band but one that maybe lacked a bit of emotion. Whereas on Spanish Sahara, lead singer Yannis Philippakis sings in falsetto lines like "now the waves they drag you down, carry you to broken land" over shimmering guitars and watery electronic blips that build up to an almighty and revelatory climax. It is easily the track of the year and one of the finest songs of the decade. What a comeback.

Although the rest of Total Life Forever may not scale the heights of Spanish Sahara (it's a pretty high height), it is still an astonishing achievement that reinforces Foals as being one of Britain most exciting bands. The first half of the album is near perfection. They manage to create Sigur Rós style soundscapes whilst infusing everything from hip-hop (Miami) to 80s funk (Total Life Forever) without ever sounding contrived. Like with Arcade Fire, they have managed to sound completely different without compromising their unique identity. Total Life Forever is an album full of real emotion and depth from a band that contains arguably the best rhythm section of any British rock band. They could go anywhere from here.

Best track: Spanish Sahara

2. Everything Everything - Man Alive

This album is completely bonkers. The music is bonkers. The lead singers voice is bonkers. The lyrics are completely bonkers. If the album was simply mad and nothing else then it wouldn't be on this list. The reason it is here and so high up on my list is because it features some of the most ambitious and best pop songs of the year.

Man Alive is the debut album from the indescribable Everything Everything. It is an album that shouldn't work - after many, many listens I still don't really understand what Jonathan Higgs is singing and when I do the words don't seem to make any sense. The music often sounds like contemporary RnB, Foals-style math-rock and latter-era Radiohead all at the same time and the songs themselves sometimes discard their choruses halfway through and go into some batshit crazy hip-hop breakdown. That they've managed to make a coherent and uniquely satisfying pop record is a miracle. Not only that but, in my opinion, it is the best debut album of the year. Highlights, of which there are many, include the singles Schoolin' (featuring possibly the best final section of any song ever) and Photoshop Handsome (which sounds at times like the Double Dragon theme tune). And there are moments of unexpected beauty in songs like Leave The Engine Room and NASA Is On Your Side.

Just this month, Everything Everything performed Man Alive in its entirety live with an orchestra after months of rehearsals. They are a band with bucket loads of ideas, ambition and talent and I doubt anyone could guess what they will do next. The new Radiohead? You betcha.

Best track: Schoolin'

1. The National - High Violet

Allow me, if you will, to make a film analogy for this one...

In 2008 a film was released called Synecdoche, New York - written and directed by script writing genius Charlie Kaufman (previously responsible for films like Being John Malkovich and Adaptation). It is an art house film that cost a fair amount of money and subsequently flopped at the box office. The basic story concerns Caden Cotard (Philip Seymour Hoffman); a theatre director who attempts to create a life-size replica of New York in a warehouse after he is given a MacArthur grant. He wants to create an epic production about his life. There isn't really a plot though, for this is a film not about a singular aspect of life, but life as a whole.

Synecdoche, New York is a massively ambitious, extremely difficult and devastatingly emotional piece of work, and one of the finest films I have ever seen. When I saw it for the first time I came out feeling like someone had beaten my brain with a stick; I couldn't fathom its brilliance. When I watched it for the second time it suddenly struck me that I was watching a rare work of utter genius. And afterwards, when I realised what it was actually about, I felt so overly emotional that I began to wonder whether I was having a minor breakdown.

It is a film about art, money, family, relationships, love, hate, age, sex, life and (mostly) death. It is about being an individual and no-one but yourself understanding what it is like to be you and you not understanding what it is to be like anyone else. It is desperately sad yet features moments of subtle beauty. It is a film you have to watch a few times to fully appreciate its intricacies and understand its many meanings. For a while it made me feel like no other movie was worth watching because it wouldn't come close to the overwhelming magnificence of this one.

That's how I feel about High Violet.

Album of the decade.

The National - Gods among men.

HOSPITAL STORY (PART 3)

The porters arrived and pushed me through the hospital corridors like pallbearers at a funeral march. For some inexplicable reason, all I could think about at this time was the fact I had forgot to call work that morning even though I had called them the day before. I was getting really worried about that rather than the impending slicing open of my dying lower body. This worry soon went once I entered the pre-operating room, which felt like the size of a small cupboard but somehow managed to fit me and five other people in it. I honestly expected the doors to fling open to reveal a huge fire ready to cremate me alive. They put an oxygen mask on me and asked me to relax. I was about as relaxed as a blender. The last thing I remember is one of the surgeons asking me to try and keep my eyes open, then I was gone – off to slumberland to dream about rainbows and ponies while some bloke cut me up like a dead cow.

The next thing I remember is falling in and out of sleep back in the hospital ward. I always wondered if it was true how movies often depict someone waking up from an operation or something – all those blurry lights and muffled sounds and figures moving in slow motion in the distance. Turns out it is. A nurse then removed my oxygen mask and, bizarrely, the first thing I did was pick up my phone and call work. I was clearly clinically “not right” at that point. I don't remember the conversation but my boss would later inform that I said I would be back in work next week, raring to go as if the only thing they had done to me was give me a light massage.

I gradually came round, as did the pain. It was difficult to decipher what the pain was at that point; was it from the operation or did the stomach cramps still remain? After all, it wasn't definite that I had appendicitis. What if it wasn't? What if they had to operate again?? What if I had to live in the hospital FOREVER??? AAAAHHHHHH!!! (Just to confirm, this hysterical outburst was all in my mind as I couldn't even sit up, let alone run around the place screaming my head off.) It soon became clear that the cramps had gone and that it was post-operation pain. Praise the lord.

Apparently the operation lasted barely an hour but by the time I had properly come round it was about 5 in the evening. Like I said – black hole. Unfortunately I still wasn't allowed to eat but, to be honest, from over-hearing what was on offer in the hospital, I'd kind of lost my appetite (hospital chicken tikka masala anyone?). So I wasn't able to move, eat or drink but, thankfully, just as I was about to plan another escape, Amy arrived with fresh clothes and magazines and conversation to keep me sane.

The following morning, after some absolutely mental dreams (more on them later), I had the usual wake up call from a group of doctors and I got to see the wound for the first time. It rather took me by surprise. Rather than the keyhole surgery I, and the surgeons, had anticipated, it looked more like someone had been at me with a machete. Ok, I exaggerate, but it's a pretty decent sized incision. Turns out I did have appendicitis. Yay! Also turns out that my appendix was a bit of a bastard and that the operation was more complex than expected, hence the axe wound across my stomach. The doctor told me all about what happened but all I can remember are the words “a bit tricky” and “complicated.” Bastard appendix! This would result in me having to stay in the hospital for longer than I wanted (originally I had wanted to stay for no more than 5 minutes at the most) and becoming the most ill I have ever been.

Over the next 5 days or so, nurses, doctors and visitors came and went, my temperature went crazy, my blood pressure and pulse were regularly checked by about 500 different nurses, litres of blood were taken from my arms and sold to zombies outside (possibly), I had various disgusting soups (DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT EVER CHOOSE THE BROCCOLI AND ASPARAGUS SOUP. IT”S BASICALLY MUCUS) and sandwiches (after being correctly advised by Amy not to go for the hot foods), I changed wards, I took about a thousand different types of drugs, I had the most insane dreams I have ever had (involving Hitler moustaches, the Russian president and the BBC newsreader Nicholas Witchell) and my beard grew out of control.

I also had a lot of time to think. It's no lie that I didn't enjoy my time in hospital. I don't think anyone does. It was smelly and there was nothing to do and night times were often unbearable. But I realised how sort of incredible it was at the same time. I am not in any position to give a credible critique on the NHS and explore all that may be right or wrong with it. My experiences are minimal. I can only speak as a patient who had a crappy appendix and therefore had to go to hospital in order to survive. Despite the unpleasantness of my stay, despite the immense pain I was in, despite the fact I found it odd and frustrating how much paperwork was involved and how it seemed to disrupt the “getting better” process, and despite the fact that I found some of the staff to be very unhelpful and sometimes, dare I say it, uncaring - despite all this, I was grateful to be there. Why? Not only because a bunch of blokes with knives got rid of a pointless organ that could have killed me, but because of this: my job involves sitting in an office, working on a computer and sometimes answering the phone. I get to make tea whenever I want, I can chat to my work colleagues and I can go for a stroll at lunch. Healthcare professionals in a hospital clear up blood, vomit, shit and piss on a daily basis. They have to deal with people such as needy demented old men who think it's 1942, drunk buffoons suffering a broken bottle to the face, and big woosies who are scared of needles (yes, me). They work long days, they work nights, they work at Christmas for God's sake. And the paperwork isn't their fault. I'm sure any nurse, policeman or teacher would be able to talk at length about how much it interferes with proper work, so I won't.

I'm not sure what the point of this story is but I think I just needed to write about it in a cathartic sense and I just wanted to confirm that I would be a terrible, terrible nurse.

R.I.P. Appendix

HOSPITAL STORY (PART 2)

And so it was. After a surprisingly good nights sleep I woke up feeling exactly the same. And this is where the involuntary hunger strike began. Amy correctly advised me that I shouldn't eat a thing in case they operate on me. At the most I should have a few sips of water. Left to my own devices I would have started that day with a massive bowl of Coco Pops, some toast and a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit. The problem is that on a normal day I am constantly eating (mostly rubbish) so the next week or so would be a bloody nightmare (in more ways than one). Off I went back to my favourite place in the world and sat in the waiting room in exactly the same seat. It was real life deja vu but this time I was not to be sent home but to get my very own hospital bed. Um... exciting.

I'm not sure if I've ever been so confused or scared in my entire life. Up to this point, in terms of my health, I had had it pretty easy. The only other times I had been in hospital were to visit other people. I sat on the bed surrounded by healthcare professionals, futuristic machines and people that generally looked a bit yellow. I thought this was the end. I started to panic and worry that I wouldn't get to do all the things I wanted to do before I die (skydive from a jumbo jet, travel the world on a moped, watch the whole of The Wire in just one sitting). When Amy had to go as visiting hours were over, I immediately began to conjure up an escape plan. Then I remembered I couldn't walk anywhere and so gave up.

Whilst waiting to be seen by the surgeon I observed the strange world I had travelled to. Nurses, doctors, healthcare assistants and cleaners (or “hostesses” as Amy informed me) in variously coloured uniforms were the cogs in the machine; tending to everyones needs, ensuring everything goes to plan, while the patients sat there generally moaning and being rubbish. Quite often a nurse would close the curtain around a certain patient and all I could hear were strange gurgling noises and all I could think about was poo. A surgeon then arrived to prod me a bit and again looked bemused at the fact I wasn't really ill. But he decided that it couldn't really be anything else and said they would try and operate tomorrow. I was as relieved as I was terrified. I didn't want to be cut open. I don't think anyone does? At this point my iPhone came into it's own. I believe Steve Jobs purpose-built it for hospitals; to distract people from imminent removal of organs. Without anyone to speak to I Tweeted, Facebooked, Guardianed and played Need For Speed. I was in my own little virtual world where my virtual body would remain unharmed.

My first night in hospital is difficult to describe. Suffice to say it bought to mind The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hostel and the Vietnam war - the sounds, the darkness, THE HORROR, THE HORROR. Alongside this I couldn't help but feel immensely sorry for the nurses working the night shift. It was at this point I realised exactly what nursing involved, and it was quite humbling.

The next morning I woke up with my usual craving for chocolate cereal but had to make do with some more sips of water. I hadn't eaten for over 24 hours. I felt like Michael Fassbender in Hunger. Another important thing I wasn't allowed to do was wear any clothes apart from a hospital gown, which I didn't know how to do up properly, probably resulting in many people getting more than they bargained for at breakfast time. At this point I was still in a lot of pain but it was being overshadowed by the fear of someone going at me with a knife. Another surgeon came and poked me in the stomach and laughed (probably not the latter) and said they hoped to operate by lunch-time. But I had completely lost track of time so this meant nothing. Staying in hospital was a bit like walking into a black hole. Time didn't seem to exist.

Before I was sent down to the operating theatre, approximately 20 doctors barged into my personal hospital space with clipboards, led by a large scary man who was clearly very important. A prod in the stomach by him felt like a punch in the gut. After doing this a few times he asked the other doctors questions about my shit body. They looked more terrified than me. Before I could ask exactly what they were going to do to me they had disappeared in a puff of smoke. It signalled that the time had come to take me away (which turned out to be more brunch time than lunch time, but hey, I wasn't going to be eating either of those)...

(to be continued)

HOSPITAL STORY (PART 1)

So there I was, last Saturday, quietly enjoying the leftover remnants of a rather wonderful Chinese takeaway from the night before – one of those jobs where you shove it all into an extremely hot pan then straight into a bowl so that it looks like some kind of weird solid chinese soup but tastes delicious. But as I reached the end of this mushy feast I started to feel a little, er, odd. My stomach felt like it was struggling to deal with chinese food again so soon after its last intake of pork ribs and egg fried rice. I knew that my girlfriend, Amy, had cooked the food for long enough because she doesn't mess about when it comes to food or the re-heating of food (I often have to be reminded of the importance of re-heating rice, something which I had previously thought to be a non-issue. Idiot.) I tried to forget about it and get on with making my way to my hometown for the annual HALLOWEEN PARTY EXTRAVAGANZA IN..... Orpington (dressed as Hans Gruber from Die Hard (don't ask)).

The party was ace, I got pretty drunk, we listened to 90s RnB, all was good. Except, it wasn't really. The copious amounts of beer had only helped me to forget about my odd stomach pains, not to get rid of them (obviously). So on Sunday I woke up feeling dodgy again and thought that something definitely was not right inside of my rubbish body. Not to worry though, probably just a mixture of too much chinese food, beer and bad music over the last couple of days. The reason I wasn't too worried at that time is because the pain wasn't really that bad. In fact, it wasn't really pain – it was more stomach cramps, but quite small ones. It was only when I got home and (tried to) walk up the road with Amy to get some food and medicine that I realised this was no hangover. My hangovers normally involve a splitting headache and a craving for corn on the cob. I definitely didn't want corn on the cob at this moment. Halfway up the road and I gradually started to become Quasimodo; hunched over and spewing out incomprehensible nonsense - “The bowels! The bowels!” I bought some super duper bastard strong painkillers, that turned out to do nothing whatsoever, then crawled home and rolled up into a ball on the sofa.

Ridiculously, I went to work the next morning. The thing is, I had been sleeping ok, so, of course, it meant I would be able to operate properly during the day. (No, I've never thought about becoming a doctor). At work I went through various stages of nearly passing out, hobbling to the toilet and whining at my desk. So, the usual then. I decided to call it a day about late afternoon and, on advice from Amy (ever saving my life), phoned the doctor and booked a late appointment. From then on things went a bit mental and some of it is a bit of a blur (or I've deliberately tried to block certain events out due to how unpleasant they were). Also, I've probably got the timeline confused as hospital, I learnt, has no time.

The doctor said I should go to A&E immediately as he thought I had appendicitis. This kind of took me by surprise (I don't know why, it's not as if I just had a 'dicky tummy'). So I booked a cab straight from the surgery after having a mild panic about not having my man bag with me (which normally goes everywhere with me and contains important objects such as my 'Ideas Book', a pack of kleenex and an unopened pack of Wrigley's Extra (I never eat chewing gum so I have no idea why it's in there)). It didn't help that the cab driver was, for want of a better word, a mentalist. He kept on trying to spark up conversation every 3 seconds about traffic and the general crapness of the world, despite it being very obvious that I was about as much up for conversation as I was for break dancing. He also kept calling me 'Robert', which on a normal day winds me up, and so at this particular time really wasn't making me feel any better. I think he might have been both blind and deaf, and therefore really shouldn't be driving ill people to hospital. And there I sat for what seemed liked an eternity - in the A&E waiting room. I was sure I was in purgatory; that my wanker of an appendix had eaten the rest of my insides and I was dead. A&E was in fact God's waiting room and it was taking him hours to complete the paperwork that would confirm my entrance to either heaven or hell. Thankfully, Amy arrived around the time I thought I was gonna pass out and we sat there together laughing at the token drunk guy roaming around the place, which was a nice distraction from the ever-worsening abdominal cramps that at times made me worry that the most famous scene from Alien was going to be recreated at Sussex County Hospital.

I'm not too sure, but I think I saw about 87 nurses/doctors/surgeons that evening, each asking me the same questions and writing down the same answers. I found it all a bit bizarre and pointless. Apparently they were having “the worse Monday night ever.” Surely if they didn't keep repeating themselves then things would be getting done a lot quicker? This would be a recurring theme in my time at the hospital. After doing some necessary but rather horrible things to me, (things I don't wish to mention but included many failed attempts to take blood from both my arms resulting in me nearly crying like a baby and looking like the girl who falls into the syringe pit in Saw 2), they, er, sent me home. They clearly didn't want to but they had no beds and the only options were to sleep on a hospital trolley for the night or go home. Unsurprisingly, I opted for the latter. The surgeon said there was a definite possibility I had appendicitis but that he wasn't 100% sure as I wasn't puking up everywhere (apparently a key symptom). I did, in fact, feel pretty good asides from the crippling stomach pain but considered shoving my finger down my throat just to satisfy the surgeon. Then I remembered my phobia of vomit and so headed home. If I felt the same tomorrow morning, the surgeon said, then I should come back. It needn't have been said. I knew I would be getting on the hospital bus when I wake up...

(to be continued)

TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2009

It's 10th December 2009 and that can only mean one thing: it's time to reveal my top 10 albums of the year! The anticipation for the arrival of James Cameron's $250 million 3-D movie epic 'Avatar' has nothing on this. So here goes...

10. White Lies - To Lose My Life
Quite possibly the hardest working band of the year due to a never-ending tour which started in 1942.. or something. This is a solid, clear-as-crystal pop debut that features a couple of classic tracks. They've received a lot of stick for their 'faux darkness' and, to be fair, their critics kind of have a point. But there is no denying the quality of the songs on show. The drummer has great hair as well.

9. Billy Talent - Billy Talent III
Billy Talent's trio of albums are a bit like the Bourne movies; ultimately the same film re-made 3 times but so engrossing that it doesn't really matter. So 'III' isn't so much a step forward as a step sideways. But the riffs are still massive and the musicianship faultless. It doesn't quite match 'II' (one of the greatest American rock albums of the last decade) but songs such as 'White Sparrows' and 'Saint Veronica' are up there with the best they have ever made and in Ian D'Sa they have one of the greatest guitarists in the world, which always helps.

8. Doves - Kingdom of Rust
Doves are the first of three bands to feature in my list who have been slogging away for years but have only just started to make it big. Kingdown of Rust opens with one of the best songs I have heard all year - 'Jetstream'. Unfortunately the rest of the album doesn't quite live up to it but this is yet another great album from a band seemingly incapable of making a bad song. 'Lost Souls' may arguably be their best work but Doves quality is never inconsistent.

7. Biffy Clyro - Only Revolutions
The second band on the list to have leaped into the mainstream conciousness this year are one of the most exciting and ambitious British rock bands around. Only Revolutions is HUGE. The riffs are HUGE. The production is HUGE. The choruses are BIGGER THAN HUGE. 'The Captain' is a ridiculous sea shanty anthem, 'Many of Horror' is a lighters-in-the-air classic and 'Bubbles' is simply immense. All in all, a fanstastic achievement. Bring on the stadiums.

6. The Mars Volta - Octahedron
The words 'Mars Volta' and 'acoustic pop' might at first seem about as suited to each other as 'Michael Bay' and 'subtle' but 'Octahedron' is pretty much that - an acoustic pop album.. and it is brilliant. Gone are the 15 minute prog rock excursions and in come beautifully arranged proper songs that have choruses and everything. Of course, 'Octahedron' has it's mental moments, but this is The Mars Volta at their most controlled and focused. God knows where they'll go next but I'll definitely be joining them.

5. Paramore - Brand New Eyes
"What the hell is a pop-emo album doing at number 5 you complete arse!?", is what you might be asking yourself. Well, it's not emo actually; it's a proper rock record that has more hooks than a fishing boat and, in Hayley Williams, one of the best pop vocalists in the world right now. Paramore may have started off as a pretty standard American emo band but this album is a huge leap forward in every way. 'Brand New Eyes' is a mature yet catchy-as-hell piece of work from a band who have the combined age of about 12.

4. Arctic Monkeys - Humbug
Arctic Monkey's third album was poorly received by many but the truth is that it is simply another masterpiece from Britain's best band. Alex Turner actually sings this time and the band let the songs speak for themselves. There are more slowies than usual, which shows are more relaxed side to them, and tracks such as 'Crying Lightning', 'Dangerous Animals' and 'Cornerstone' are up there with the best they have ever written. 'Humbug' is dark, moody and a bit of a grower. It's the kind of album that makes other bands wonder why they bother.

3. Brand New - Daisy
Rumour has it that Brand New may be calling at a day soon. If this is true, and I hope it's not, then 'Daisy' is a brutally brilliant and heart-wrenching swansong. The word 'genius' gets thrown around quite a lot, mainly by me, but this really is a work of genius. Every song is phenomenal, every lyric is engrossing and every time I listen to it I feel like the world has just ended (that's a compliment by the way). Brand New are America's most unique and vital alternative rock band, it's just that you don't know it yet. 'Daisy' is nothing short of astonishing. Part of me wants to put it at the top of the list and the only reason I'm not is because it's still not as good as their previous effort, 'The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me', which is one of the best albums ever. Warning: 'Daisy' contains lyrics like "I want to kill and eat the young."

2. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Phoenix are a French indie pop band, obsessed with America and The Strokes and who used to be Air's backing band. In other words: they are a bit odd. This is their fourth album and it is brilliant in every way. Every song is an example of how to create a perfect pop song. They are so intricate yet sound so effortless. I think this is down to the incredible production by Zdar (?) and Phoenix. Every time I listen to it I hear something new creep through the headphones. 'Lisztomania', '1901', 'Rome', 'Lasso'... they're all classics. Not bad for an album which is essentially an essay on German history.

1. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - It's Blitz!
It is quite possible that Karen O is God. If she is then we can all be safe in the knowledge that heaven is FUCKING AWESOME, just like this album. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs just get better and better and better. 'Fever To Tell' was great, 'Show Your Bones' was better, 'It's Blitz!' is perfection. They have discovered keyboards and it appears that Nick Zinner is even better at using these than he is at guitars. Karen O has more personality than the Hollywood Walk of Fame and talent to match. She is a proper pop star. The key to the brilliance of 'It's Blitz!' is that it is a synth-pop album produced, rather brilliantly, by David Sitek that could have ended up sounding robotic and faceless but in fact has more emotional depth than most albums released this year. It is full of songs that you care about. A lot of pop albums don't have that. A classic.